What Makes a Marriage Successful? - A guest post by Rekha Dhyani

You already know what I think of Rekha.

Rekha Nair Dhyani is not a fellow-blogger. Before anything, she is my friend who writes, and writes without any contradiction between her within and without. Her posts connect with me, as do the thoughts she carries inside. She blogs at Dew Drops - a space which explores relationships, love, parenting and memoirs. Her blog appeals to the woman in me – all roles - mother, wife and daughter, combined.  

I happily publish her guest post for my humble space here. Yet again, she has me nodding in full agreement with her. 

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My marriage is just over a decade old and I certainly do not have any right to preach about the success of a marriage. But I thought I should definitely share my thoughts on this. Right??? 

The success of any relation depends upon the amount of love, compassion, time and understanding that are put in by the couple sharing it. So does it mean that if we put in all of these ingredients, the final recipe will be as smooth as a fairy tale story? No. It’ll not be a plain smooth road, but a tipsy-turvy ride. There’ll definitely be ups and downs, agreements and disagreements, opinions and differences. The reasons: 

1. The two individuals involved are two different personalities. They have their individual likes and dislikes, mood swings, hobbies, etc., which are different from each other. Well, most of the time. 

2. The marital relationship is not just about the two of you, but it also involves an entire universe that has either conspired to conjoin you or have been trying to break you apart. This may or many not include your parents, and definitely include a battalion of relatives and self-proclaimed well-wishers. 

3. While you still manage to fight all of these, there are additional inhibitors who join in the war, courtesy your love (err I mean the physical part of it) for each other. Yeah, you got it right. These are your descendants. 

So for a good part of your life you’ll have to keep fighting against these antibodies and try to save your marriage. The personality differences do get accepted slowly but surely. The differences in interests/likes too will be handled efficiently by the two of you. An example to this effect, an anecdote from my life, I would love to share. 

One day (during the very first year of our marriage), on my way from office to home, I went veggie shopping. I thought to myself, poor guy has left his parents and is struggling to make a life with me; I must do something good for him. I had heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. So I promised myself to make a different dish and make him happy. I bought capsicums and potatoes and made a really tasty dish (or so I would want to believe). At dinner time, we both served ourselves and started eating. In between I asked him how the food was. He replied that it was good. That day we took a little longer than usual to finish our food. After I cleared the table, cleaned up the kitchen, I came back with a bowl of ice-cream for the two of us. It was then that he said that he can’t stand capsicum at all. The best part was when I informed him that I too did not like capsicum at all. This happened in a love marriage. Of course, during courtship you don’t discuss capsicum and potatoes.

Then there’s the flock of ultra-sweet and caring well-wishers and relatives. This category can be easily handled if the communication channel between the two of you is not choked. Always keep your communication with your partner crisp and clear. Let the well-wishers know that just because you respect their age and the relation doesn’t mean that you’ve handed over the remote control of your life to them. Give them each a sweet smile and a wild grin at the same time such that it conveys that visiting hours are over. 

Finally, you are left with the product of your eternal love, your kids. And I tell you this category is the toughest to handle for a variety of reasons. First of all, no amount of reasoning works with them. However upset you are with them, you can’t tell them that visiting hours are over and then shut the door. They make you wonder if you guys were in love ever. After all, that love is definitely worth another try. All you can do with these little pyaar ke dushman is to have patience and wait for them to understand and give you some space and time. Till then, enjoy stealing the few lucky moments as and when you can catch them. 

On Rakhshabandhan this year, since there was some confusion with the muhurat of tying the rakhi, sis-in-law gave the Rakhis to me and asked me to make the girls tie it on hubby’s hand in the evening or on the next day. The girls did tie it but it was loosely tied. So I started tying the knot when the elder one jumps in and asks, “Are you both brother and sister?” To this my man replied, “If you guys are hell-bent we’ll definitely be living like brother and sister in a short while.” 

This in no way means that all marriages are a cake walk. There are good ones, bad ones and ugly ones and each has to be dealt with separately. But for the most part of it, I believe it is good and both the partners must try and help it work out. 

For the bad ones, try some fixing and repairing, but I believe patch works do not work for long. For the ugly ones, jump out with all might and swim across. There’s life beyond marriage and kids. There certainly is.

So, what do you think is the secret behind a happy marriage?