Lingerie Inside Out

Before some conservative organization reads the title of the post and bans me from the world of blogging, or from the world itself, you must read this. And before a protector of all-things-hidden-guarding-female-honour paints my face black and makes me sit atop a donkey, I must get my thoughts out on paper in full speed. 

I have lingerie on my mind. 

And I have been observing it for a very long time (I heard that ‘tch tch’). Even the phenomenon attached to it (if you sense a pun, you are the dirty one). 

I don’t intend philosophizing, but if I do stray from simply sparing a few thoughts about these ‘intimate companions’ into anything deeper than decency demands, you may close your eyes, or even mine. 

Experience speaks, first. 

‘Oh, for marriage purpose?’ the sales girl said with a knowing smile. Ear to ear, and looked at my tee. I stepped back. Was she going to hug me a congratulations now? She sure seems happy for me. And what does ‘marriage purpose’ mean? I did not have to exert too long. Out came boxes upon boxes, which started opening faster than hooks, on the clothes line, with very excited movements of hands. Hers, only. Even as mine kept themselves from going red. There was just too much to see.

I tell you! If marriages are made in heaven, in certain departments that which glitters the most is like a golden stairway to ascend to the clouds above (why would you sense a sexual innuendo here?). The glass top before me transformed into a dizzying array of sequins, stones, bows and even arrows, strategically placed in nooks and corners I did not even know existed on such bare essential clothing. The heart ruled the shapes, stars followed close behind. Some seemed gift-wrapped, others like fancy wrapping themselves. Oh lord, are those real feathers? Those metal tacks could scratch my washing machine! Barely any cloth, but what handiwork, as if God’s own craft. God’s own colours. Made in Heaven, indeed.   

It ended though, the picking. I exited poorer by more than just a gold coin. But richer with these thoughts floating in my mind – never knew how important lingerie is in the marital to-do list of things. Perhaps, right on top somewhere, in bold and beautiful letters, next to the ‘look for a mandap’ and ‘find the right guy’, in that order of merit. Reading – ‘Pick lingerie, for marriage purpose, only.’

Some years into marriage, and life takes over. Lingerie is just another piece of clothing. Usually. And certainly until the next visit to the mall. Mall?

Experience speaking, still.

Here you are slowly walking around the glossy floor, enjoying the free air-conditioning and feeling rich for no real reason. And suddenly what do you see? Is that Brazil’s carnival imported recently or the widest Xmas tree? Oh, it’s nothing but the lingerie section. Such a riot of colours and textures meet your eyes you cannot help but walk towards it in a daze. Mouth a little open under the spell, and very wide open even if you are a gentlemen trying hard to remain one, and feign looking away. 

How, in small shops, the lingerie is relegated a few shelves and a tiny table behind the bindi section, a left turn from the bathroom and next to the trial room. For propriety sake. But here, it’s a Wonder land (is that a brand?). Or an animal farm, with tiger stripes and leopard dots hanging by their tails. Oh my! Did someone in the trial room growl-grunt-roar a number out?

The old make way for new. Such is life. The purist white are going extinct, and ‘non fancy’ ones rest endangered. And why not! Freedom to choose and to express. Push-up, slap-down, make invisible, make visible or earn the bravery award and go … err … have a cup, of tea. Some straps are meant to be shown, some noodles to tease. All working for a singular cause - pumping, your self-esteem. For some you have to strain your eyes, for the price tag is certainly bigger than the piece. Where is it, the product, miss? Oh there, the sliver of orange hiding behind the brand tag, is it? I see. Um! Now which side up and which side down? 

Phew! I better stop, for all the bright right reasons. 

You breathe now, dear sir. Came here expecting your copy of ‘The Ultimate Guide to Unhook with Ease’, from the telly I mean. Well, madam, neither is this a give away. You may order online, where one is free on one. It's a stampede out there. 

Time to stop "linger-ee-ing" here now. Time for me to go.

Where? To the mall, of course!